Snow.

Crying over a small thing tonight. Real crying. Eye burning crying. All due to something small.

I didn’t cry this much when my dad died. Actual deaths are sometimes easier to process than the “deaths“ of fantasies and the hope we give them. Especially if one is anticipated and the other is not.

I turned on rain meditation music tonight and begged out loud to God - “Take me out of this. Remove my hope from this fantasy. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know why I haven’t let this die. Please help me kill it.”

My dream is to have… practical dreams. Career dreams. Writing dreams. Travel dreams. Not girly love dreams.

Love wouldn’t make me happy! I know it wouldn’t. I am observant. I am also the daughter of a liar or two. I don’t trust romantic love. Men… any of it. People and the messiness that comes with closeness. Love… I had it one and a half times. That was a few Caitlins ago though.

Domesticity is dull and things expire. I need to have FAITH in that. These are the facts. This is what I must grab hold of. I will not be hurt. I will not be exploited. I am pure white snow. Untouchable.

Please, please. I know I can forget my specific little love fantasy once and for all. If I could watch my parent die and still drag my ass to work… what couldn’t I do? I live with PTSD. I have bipolar disorder, or was at least diagnosed with it. Who the fuck really knows at this point. I first planned to kill myself 20 years ago. 20 years of holding on with the help of beautiful periods of love and fun.

I’ve played around with dark things. I’ve twisted them around my finger and flicked them away like stupid insects when I got bored. I’m bored of everything except myself. I need to get bored of people fantasies. People are energy vampires. Closeness is messiness. Messiness that CAN result in growth, to be fair.

There are other ways to glow and grow. I just wish those other ways didn’t involve people so much. People. Disgusting.

I feel better already. Emptier, but better.

I will fill my inner life with something else. Not SOMEONE else.

Get it? Sure you do.