A season.

I cried for awhile today. I don’t like my season.

It also rained. Spring is not the season that is bothering me though.

I’m scared of Monday for reasons that are less than realistic. Mostly that… I’ll fail at work. Let people down and that they’ll regret hiring me. Or make some egregious error, even though I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback so far. Ugh.

I’m also afraid of the broader future for reasons that are painfully realistic/probable, and too scary to talk about.

I worry about making it. I worry that I’ll stop being able to tread water and that I’ll lose everything again. I want to have a career. A skill. A “something.” I don’t even want to show it off. I just need that one thing so I can continue to sustain myself financially.

Luckily I won‘t have to manage earth forever, so I don’t worry about ”survival” as much. I’m not going to be here forever… obviously. Life is school and I’m trying to trust God’s timeline for us all, brutal as it may be. Trust and peace are always holding hands. I don’t have peace because I don’t trust God enough. I have too much world in me.

I want to be a loving and capable person, and for the most part I am. I want peace - don’t have as much of that as I deserve. I can’t have it all the time. I want to push a button and instantly trust God so that all of my fears wash away.

I suspect I need more practice. Practice won’t make perfect, but hopefully it will do something.

I want peace and to leave a legacy of love. Literally that is all I want from life.

Hope we all get better even if life doesn’t.