And apple sauce

Dull.

I always feel like I waste my weekends. I did do a ton of dishes tonight, and a bit of laundry. Best case scenario is that tomorrow is more of the same. I have rediscovered The Brady Bunch, which I watched with my cousins growing up. I always played Jan. That life is gone. I’m so grateful for the memories. My childhood foundation has saved me time and time again.

I watched clips of The Sopranos tonight. My all time favorite show. There’s a practically unwatchable scene where a mobster hangs himself in one of the later seasons. It is so realistic. He grasps at the noose in regret. I can’t imagine that feeling - knowing you’ve snuffed yourself out and regretting it at the last second. Ugh.

The idea of being helped repulses me. I’ve said this before, but the last thing I’d ever want to be is a project. Some have tried. I want to be left alone, but in a strange (okay... natural) way isolation depletes me. Yet other people deplete me more.

I’ll have to put on real pants on tomorrow. I’ll have to smile and focus. I need to be grateful for it all.

Current background noise: ”Pork chops and apple sauce.” - Peter Brady. Now there’s a smile.