Adulthood always held this illusion of freedom for me (and probably to many millennials).
I remember thinking that I could go and do as I pleased, and that that would be my sustenance. Life of Caitlin: Eat chocolate for breakfast. Go for a drive at 3am to clear my head. Drink mimosas. Et-freaking-cetera.
When I was 18-19, I thought the world was gonna be mine. Teenage life was hard but I emerged from it with a greater optimism. I thought I was gonna be better forever.
Until I wasn’t.
The reality - my heart ended up shattered many times and no amount of morning chocolate could fix it. I had to scrape and claw out of crippling depression more times than I can count.
One other note: I’m hard on myself, but even an unbiased third party could see that I didn’t always jump into the snake pit (or fall from carelessness and inattention). I was sometimes pushed.
I have to forgive myself for not anticipating those land mines. And even the best weather radars miss some storms.
For awhile I thought the answer was letting go of life. Isolation. I wanted to be where love and life could never touch me. Never taint me. And I found that place. It was mine. But I was my own prison.
This sounds cheesy - but I stand by what I’m about to say. Hope is the answer to all of this. And engagement with the things you find to love.
“You can’t find peace by avoiding life.”
- Virginia Woolf
If you’re alive and are still able to love with the shattered strands of your heart, you’re already a brave person in my book.
Holding on to hope and love is the bravest thing anyone can do.
Here’s to... whatever comes after this year. Here’s to gripping onto hope and the good things like they are the handlebars on the rollercoaster that is life.
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