Yesterday was a blur and I spent most of it asleep. I dreamed about some obscure boy and centipedes off and on. When I was awake, I ordered nachos that weren’t even good.
They came in a LARGE PIZZA BOX and I ate exactly 6. The cheese wasn’t melted. I could barely comprehend that someone would think serving nachos like that was anything less than a travesty. It was supposed to make me happy, but it felt perverse.
I threw them away. I woke up when Mallory demanded to be fed. And then I went right back to sleep.
I can’t believe yesterday happened. I cried a lot for reasons I can’t put in words… yet. I’m not ready. I’ll never be ready, but the day will come anyway.
I think I got a lot of it out of my system. I’m trying to find amusement where and when I can. I laughed at Youtube video about Dave Hollis’s “advice book.” It’s so pathetic. I think we’re all allowed to laugh at other people’s expense when they are harmful people.
Don’t act like I don’t have a case!
I had a chance to be social but wasn’t. I couldn‘t have driven in that state.
I survived. I have choices. I have CHANCES. I must be gentle to myself. Less fearful. These days arent easy to digest. I am doing the best I can… but I still fear it won’t be enough. Then what? How many times can I start over? i know, I know… it’ll be from experience and not from scratch.
But the world might not accept my best. That’s scary. That’s where trusting God comes in. I do love God. I hope he’s proud that I’m not worse.
I wish I could see what he sees in me all the time. Still too much world in me.
I wish I felt it. I don’t understand why I can’t feel it. In some sick way, I’m getting what I need - even though it hurts like hell. If I wasn’t supposed to learn these things, they wouldn’t be happening.
That’s all I can say for now.
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