It has been awhile since I've visited here. Sitting on my big couch in ratty (but clean) pajama shorts. Heard what sounded like 2 gunshots go off in front of my house - the first at 10:21, the second at 10:23. I dusted off my "NextDoor" account (I hate NextDoor even more than Facebook, but I gotta keep it around for stuff like this) - one of the neighbors called the cops. There's some conjecture that it could be some guy who shot into a bar tonight. A police chase ensued.
Men.... I'll let those ellipses do the talking. Just know that they have a lot of unsavory commentary they're too exasperated to provide.
I went to NYLO Plano last Sunday. I bought a pool pass so I could wander around the hotel, possibly SIT by the pool, but mostly just to prance around ITS LIBRARY. It was a nice change of scenery. I would go back. I couldn't figure out how to get into the pool area (everything seemed to require keys) and was too shy to ask. I did sit outside for awhile, but it got so damn hot that I moseyed back to the spacious library. I got a decent amount of writing done. Much more than I would have at home. I'll likely go back.
When I departed NYLO, I realized I was a mere 5 minutes from the Boardwalk at Granite Park, which boasts restaurants I don't really care about but I knew had scenery that might be interesting. I went there one other time, 3-4 years ago, for an exercise class and recall wanting to explore more - but it was too damn hot that day. Much like the Irish festival - I was the only one alone. I thought I'd lucked out when I found a coffee shop, but it was closed. Sweaty little me trekked back to her car and proceeded to collapse at home. I had had all the fun I could stand. Leaving the house was worth it, but it is times like these that make me wish I had a social group.
Socializing - drained if I do, drained if I don't. Yet being purely happy isnt important to me. I pray for peace, balance, self discipline, and structure. In that order.
I believe in enthusiastic people, but not happy ones. Happiness is cheap, one dimensional, a dollar store birthday card. I only want connections that come from shared joys and mangled-ness. Fake, shallow, empty people repulse me. For my obscurity, quirks, harsh self-judgment... I know I have a depth that many do not possess. It's easy to see it. Some people might see a woman and say "she has a sparkle in her eye!"
I have no sparkle in my eyes. Instead, there is a deep pool. I can't see the bottom. No one can see the bottom. There is no end to me.
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