I have always wanted to know the future.
(Catastrophes. Men. Changes.)
I have a habit of looking for signs everywhere. Sometimes I’m right. I know that that accuracy is more than coincidence. The gnawing knowing. “This will be yours.” God? Gut? Who can say.
I’m not “special” for my little affirmed predictions. I don’t get a stamp. I think most of us have experienced correct gut instincts.
Some of my “instincts” have been wishes and imagination - but deep down, even then, I think I knew what was and wasn’t. I remember “loves” that built out of desperation - plowed forward anyway until they imploded. Lessons, not loves.
I’ve seen the other extreme too. Years ago I sat in a sparkly homecoming dress in the lap of someone I loved. We were at this artificial lake. It was so dark. I remember how the fountain was lit up. I always found that peaceful but a little stupid. None of that peaceful stupidness hit me at that moment, though. And there were other people taking pictures, but we were our own world. And did I sparkle!
In that moment I remember life making sense. The possibilities seemed endless. I wanted that day and that person to be my resolution. This is what I have always wanted - an ending tied up in a ribbon that won’t strangle me. I think even then I knew I was a little wrong. I felt like like a grain of sand that I pushed away. Yet how right I was about my wrongness, even though I wouldn’t see it for years. Hah!
But this all isn’t even about love. I just WANT to know I’ll make it.
At the same time, I can’t decide what making it means?? I once wanted to be a wife and mother, but that’s not me anymore. Goodbye resolution!
Ugh, I want to be prepared and in control. God wants me stretched so I’ll grow in my faith. “Here you thought you wouldn’t make it. You thought you were poison but you were only DRINKING it, and look at you now.” It’s fucking brutal to sit with feelings or loss and failure, but all feelings come and go.
There’s this Rolling Stones song that goes “Oh I am sleeping under strange, strange skies.”
YES, INDEED.
I have been sitting on a little prediction for awhile now. I don’t think I’m wrong because I don’t feel any sand.
One day my waiting for the outcome of this season will be over. I’ll just have to laugh - whether I’m right or wrong. Because in knowing and surviving I’ll have my everything.
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