It’s been 10 days since I’ve written anything. Not much to say, and of that, there is not much that I CAN say. Work is work and life is life. Maybe they are one and the same.
I have been sniffly tonight so I took a COVID test - negative, yay. However, I’ve heard there are a lot of false negatives for the home tests. We’ll see if I feel worse as the weekend progresses.
Relationships aside, I live for books, walks, Mallory Pancakes, and Dateline. How does the song go - “It’s a Small World After All?”
Oh fucking hell no. What used to be the most annoying song on the planet just broke my heart. Trips to Disney World while my family was intact.… FUCK. Grateful for the memories but fuck addictions that result in divorce, cancers that result in death, and deaths that result in grief.
That life is gone and was most of
what I had up to this point.
I have work now, but there are still lots of blank spaces. Work is a happy place, but I have no kids (wouldn’t survive motherhood), no significant other. I’m grateful for the people that love me, but the “foundational” aging ones are getting picked off. Natural order of things, but that doesn’t make it easier.
I sound ungrateful to even lament that. Look at the Ukraine! The images range from people fleeing with their pets to being literally blown to pieces. Red people. UGH.
This world is no place for innocent children. Children are supposed to be arrows into the future... I don’t like the future.
I don’t need a deck of tarot cards. Look at the past! Thousands of years of humans pulling the same selfish shit. Yes, there’s more good than bad. We make build skyscrapers, cure measles, and find increasingly isolating ways to amuse ourselves… but we can’t escape our nature. We love, heal, worship, control, destroy - some of these things in tandem. We run away (and towards) the same things. We are tricky, we are strange, but we still love a lot. That’s why I say there is more good than bad.
Love! There’s a word. Hah.
There are people I used to love who I’d never let touch me again. I would have never imagined I’d feel this way. I don’t even hate these people. It is that the love expired. Some of them I feel sorry for. It is also that I grew up and learned that I was not who I thought i was, and I don’t need to be reminded of that.
This entry is getting too busy. It’s a small world for me, just not in my head.
Over and out!
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