Just somewhere else

(If you actually read this whole thing and find the secret code word, inbox me and I’ll... idk. Say something nice.)

File this under “Old Pinterest quotes I saved that no longer serve me.”

“You are allowed to grieve the years or youth you lost to mental illness.”

(Note: if this quote comforts or empowers you, use it! I just have a different interpretation.)

I call bull on this, but obviously I can only speak for myself. I am mentally ill, but didn’t “lose” my youth to mental illness. I’ve never lost a year of anything. Some years are just harder than others.

Did my life look those of my peers? Sometimes... it didn’t. I didn’t play sports. I wasn’t in band. I floundered academically. It might have been harder than others in some ways.

Then again, some kids got pregnant. Or abused drugs and alcohol. Lost parents. Struggled with coming out to a less than supportive family. Everyone had something.

My point is, I can’t lose a life that was never mine. I could have artificially done things differently, but it wouldn’t have been me.

The code word is “hopscotch.”

The only things I’ve ever really lost (other than loved ones, but that I’ll save for another day) were roles/titles.

I’ve been happy to lose each and every one of them, now that time has brought perspective.

I’ve lost jobs (hello 2020 lay-off?!), romantic relationships, friends, loved ones. And I’ve had the beautiful opportunity to freshen up with the shedding of many of the dead titles, and the baggage that came with it.

Sometimes it was baggage I didn’t even feel until it was lifted.

I haven’t always been ready for chapters to close, but they did, and I survived. I’ve learned things about myself. And still giggle a lot, learn things, play with cute animals, and take fun trips to Target.

I’m still here. I was never gone. I was just somewhere else.