I can barely keep my eyes open, so some of this may be mild nonsense.
On a scale of 1-10 my anxiety today was an 18. Even Seinfeld didn’t help much.
Negative words/phrases keep ping-ponging. And visualizations of worst case scenarios. I’m very paranoid. Not schizophrenia paranoid. I’m not interesting or wacky enough for the government to spy on. Afraid is the better word. Here it goes:
I’ve been so afraid of failing, which to me means letting others down. Its worth mentioning that I always feel like I’m letting myself down. I hold myself to unreasonably high standards, but only in certain areas of my life. Not always the right areas.
Imposter system? I guess.
Well… I should talk about things that ARE going well in order to balance this out. Here‘s some average but essential things you, my tiny group of readers, may already know:
(They might be common victories and joys, but common does not mean small!)
- I’m employed. Hooray! - I have a cat. We have a mutually obsessive relationship, meow about that?! (That’s supposed to be a play on “how about that?“) - I’ve been praying a lot lately. I see God at work in my life in measurable ways. Grateful!
- I had exotic pickle flavored popcorn, which was both goofy and tasty
- I went to the library and took a walk around the park this past weekend. It was so lovely. Everything alive around me - including scary bugs, but they serve their purpose in the ecosystem so I’ll go easy on them.
Theres a “lake” at that library, complete with a dock. Some of it has changed in 15 years. I have faded memories of standing on that dock in some homecoming dress. I know this dock-standing happened, but I remember it like a movie scene. Something I watched, but wasn’t a part of.
That’s a complicated way of saying “I feel nothing about the fact that it happened.“
Someone once told me how much they loved me on that dock. It may have been that same night. I sat on his lap and felt a future. I remember glee. I remember life making sense. I might have suspected I was a little wrong, even then.
That was a chaotic and destructive time. Yet if I learned anything that day, it was that I was loved - anyways, always, regardless.
I love those last three words because they describe more than a few loves. Chapters close and I have stopped making memories with some who have loved me. That doesn’t mean they weren’t real.
Falling asleep now. More memories of docks will probably arrive within 24 hours.
Ciao!
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