I sort of hate being 30.
Because of the usual frustrations.
Plus other parts of aging (not MY aging, but in general) that are far more horrifying. SMACK. (That’s the sound of the life outside my head hitting me.)
I’m tired but wired now. I’ve started getting mild and intermittent hand tremors. Maybe from the decade I’ve been on Abilify.
But who knows? I’ll just watch and see if it gets worse. This has happened before and it went away.
So. What else does a Caitlin do?
Well, I sit in my room a lot. Laugh at tiny things. Pet Mallory. Throw treats at her (and myself) indiscriminately while drowning (or floating?) in my own imagination. Imagination sounds better than “sad, hopeless romantic fantasy.”
Work is still work and faking it seems to permanently be the new “making it.” It’s not bad at all though! Yay for the new skills this job has been teaching me.
I’m grateful I have memories and a future I still usually have hope in.
For example: 5 years ago I finished my Associate’s Degree. I keep thinking about my 60-something hippie bio teacher. The last final... That was the last community college class I ever took. I was so proud I made an A, and that I dazzled her with a personal essay I wrote for extra credit.
I love dazzling people who have more credentials than I do.
That whole era was juicy, hopeful goodness. Those were the Baylor Plano days as well. So many bright memories are buried in the “2015” file.
Yesterday ended well. I went to a Christmas light show at my childhood church - which is an amazing place that I really need to revisit. Growing up the kids who went there with me were largely nightmares, but that’s not St. Andrew’s fault.
Miles did well and even wore a mask briefly. Love that big goof, but I miss him being little. I teared up during the show because it was beautiful and life is just a lot. Also the hay seats kind of hurt.
Some random came up during the show and remarked about how tall Miles has gotten over the years.
Never seen the random before, but that’s life when you have a family member who is noticeably disabled (showbiz, baby). He seemed benevolent though.
I hope tomorrow is a good day and I should go to sleep now.
Hi Caitlin :) Do not hate being 30, it is a good age. You are mature and know what you want out of life. I would go to the doctors and ask if there is a better medicine for your nerves. Hand tremors does not sound good. Well what does a Cynthia do? I try to make friends. Sometimes I try to do this with my daughters, they just want a Mom though. I guess I need more respect from them. I am always there for them and they shut me out one way or another. I try to make going to lunch plans, making cookie plans or scrapbooking plans. I tried 4 times over the last month and they…