Just finished my 17th diary since 2017. I've made a habit of giving them titles since God knows that may be the closest thing that ever comes to me writing a book. I decided to call this one "More Heaven Than Earth." This is my favorite title so far.
It came to me when I was writing a letter to myself in the cover pages - a letter I could come back to when I felt hopeless, lost, or scared. That way I could remember how strong I am and how much my life matters. I wrote something to the effect of "you are more heaven than earth." - I meant that in the sense that deep down, I have a pure heart and that I should do everything in my power to PROTECT, HONOR, and NURTURE it. A heart that physically has an expiration date but spiritually will be absorbed back into heaven. (I'm very invested in near death experiences and books about the afterlife. I know that's a little "woo-woo" to some.)
I guess I could have called it "ATTEMPT TO BE More Heaven Than Earth" as a note to self. I'm far from perfect, but I like sweet things. I'm not a "good" person, because I'm not one thing. I'll never be purely good, but I DO feel bad about the times I have been unkind. Have laughed at denigration. I'm no saint! I've been cruel. Vindictive. Bitter, bitter, bitter. So... fully absorbed with earthly bullshit, and what has it made me into? Well, a girl that's too tied to the world in the shittiest, most pointless ways.
So... more heaven than earth, Caitlin... NOTE TO SELF.
I believe that goodness is strength. All bitterness does is create more bitterness. Goodness heals. The "power" that comes from controlling another person, causing their suffering, and the satisfaction that comes from it isn't "power". That's EVIL.
Falling asleep now.
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