The greatest project I had in my late twenties was to try to disprove the worst suspicions I have had about myself. Which I won’t name here. I will say I’ve scraped off some of them in various scenarios like numbers or fruit symbols on a scratch-off lottery ticket, and I haven’t lost all my money yet.
So now that my 20s are over. I regularly find myself asking... NOW WHAT?!
And that’s unsettling because of what the “20-something” decade is supposed to represent... a time of self-discovery and burgeoning careers, relationships, independence, etc.
It’s usually made of SOME mistakes that can be written off and forgiven by age.
And to pass through those years and still be left with unanswered core questions? Now that’s scary.
I’m not deplete in every adult category. I HAVE felt behind. Or like I left myself behind. Intentionally.
Perhaps out of fear, or maybe a lack of interest. I’m not sure.
20-something’s aren’t one collective entity, but we’re all supposed to be figuring out the same stuff. Marriage. Children. Careers. What we want in general and how to go about getting it.
We all want to get there in a straight line, but few of us do.
I work a lot, read a lot, and write a lot. Some scattered hobbies and interests. I feel like an outsider would look at me and say I have no life because I’m such a hermit and comfort-zone addict.
To hell with that though.
There’s no piece of me to pity.
I still think I’m lucky because I haven’t made (many) irreversible mistakes. Perhaps none. No kids or marriage. 💯
I don’t know how I feel about the fact that I’m grateful I don’t have the things many people want most.
There’s a lot I don’t know. Like if I’ll get married. If I ever stumble upon someone I want to marry, I would consider it.
I’ve accepted that I might not. I’ll never look for it. Don’t believe in that. It would cloud my judgment, which I don’t completely trust in the first place.
My problem is I want to find answers within myself that only life and time can give.
Anyone else feel me on any of this? Just rambling now.
Comments