Forgiveness obligations, lessons, stones, and hope.

I’m trying and I’m trying - with a side of even more trying. No matter what anyone says about the ways I haven‘t measured up (and I didnt in a huge way recently)... THAT is what I have to use to get back to peace. There’s no way around it. I CANNOT let the words of someone who didn’t have a full picture of me plant themselves in my heart. Rejection is redirection. I accept that I didnt measure up.I wasnt what was wanted or needed for that specific purpose. But if I learn something from this, it stops being a failure and starts being a lesson. A lessen that will bring me more power over myself and my future.

So boom.

I’m allowed to be human. I fuck up but I’m still acceptable, loved, and loving. And I’m obligated to forgive myself. If I stay sad and let regret and self loathing tunnel into my heart, that will cheat the world out of the good things Caitlin Cassidy has to offer. I deserve better than that, as does everyone who knows me.

I have to focus on my possibilities instead of my limitations. I have some intellectual gifts, love, a roof, a car... a new job I like so far. I can be courageous. I’m not the best or worst, but that has never mattered anyway, even when I thought it did... that has been disproven every time.

None of my aforementioned roles or resources are me. They aren’t even pieces of me. Of my life story? Perhaps. But I am not something that can be sliced up or divvied out. I have had a rich, loving, complex, and painful life... as do most. On my best days, I own my story without calling It “Caitlin.”. On my worst, I over identify with events or relationships, both positive and negative. That has held me back because it diverts me from the hope I SHOULD have for my future.

I‘m loving and loved. I’ll never be any slice of my story. No grade, no degree, no job, no single event or title.

As for criticism and rejection... they might have been right. Right about one thing.

But I’m looking at them, too. Those without sin can cast the first fucking stone. And yes, it will hurt. Hurt and bounce off.

Enough about that. ❤️