It’s 1am and I’m corrupting my sleep schedule with King of the Hill and a bowl of peanut butter granola.
Yesterday was a day of pushing away the scary things in my life. Still dealing with the SAME long-standing scary things.
But was I able to extract peace from that game of “focus on the good and tuck away the bad?” - yes. Do I need and deserve peace amidst corona and multiple family members having health issues? Yes.
Inner peace will always be my final pursuit. I can’t expect to hold onto happiness all (or even most) of the time. I don‘t deserve constant happiness, and I would never grow from it.
I’m a tapestry of survival and reinvention, but also repeated episodes of foolishness/selfishness. Still - I am grateful for most of what I have become through adversity. I’m far from complete, but I would never want to be anyone else.
Obsessing over scary things will never give me the power or peace I deserve. It’ll only make me lose control. The best I can do is pray and support my family in the ways I can.
No one I love can afford to have me be the next one that sinks. Staying stable for them (and myself) is MY responsibility. That’s why I’m grateful for medication, therapy, books, and comedies.
It’s a season of waiting for outcomes rather than creating them... in a sense. I am not a healer, medically or otherwise.
I had a great session with my genius therapist yesterday. Would recommend therapy to everyone.
I talk about myself a lot... I promise I have other interests. I don’t always go into graphic details about my world, because that intertwines with the worlds of others who wouldn’t be willing to have them on display. It’s not my place.
What else am I supposed to talk about? Politics? No one cares.
My next steps will be throwing away old clothes, exercise, saving money, and continuing to stay in touch with God for guidance and support.
So there you go.
Comments