Golly - effing - gee.
I would start from the beginning, but I don’t know which beginning to pick.
So this is what the GOOD “now“ looks like:
I finally have running water. I didn’t for 5 days. Pipe burst in the yard and the plumber came by today!! Much rejoicing. Much renewed appreciation of showering at home. Much plumber payment.
What the BAD “now” looks like:
My dad has been in and out of the hospital for almost a month. Mostly “in.”
I’ve been going to see him almost every night over the last week. I hate ”the situation“ and would (violence alert) pay the mafia any amount of money to make it go away if they had such capabilities. To hell with wish-granting genies. Destroy what destroys you!
(Edit : I just remembered “The Situation” was some useless Jersey Shore star. No wonder I had a bad taste in my mouth typing that. There’s my subconscious at work, baby.)
Anyways, the staff at the hospital seems decent. I’ve learned my way through the winding hallways to the essential areas - vending machine, family lounge, coffee bar. I‘ve made it clear here that I hate the whole ordeal. I wish it were me. It makes me sad, frustrated, panicked, you name it.
At the same time, I feel like I have been useful throughout this. It’s 1% of a silver lining. I like helping someone who has helped me tremendously. I hope I have made him proud in doing so.
My dad told me I was a strong person. That was nice to hear, even though I felt somewhat taken aback and doubtful.
All the same… it’s gotta be the truth. My dad has a low tolerance for BS and is even more brutally honest than I am. He would never say something just to make me feel better.
So I know that it must be true. And I told my dad I got it from him.
“I know it, I can’t feel it. But I know it enough to believe it.” - Jennifer’s Body by Hole
And that sums it up perfectly.
I hope he gets better. He might not.
And life itself may not.
The only good news is that I have a choice to LOVE myself (and others) through anything, even though none of us can outrun our circumstances.
It’s not about chasing happiness or even avoiding pain.
It’s about remembering (and forgetting) the right things at the right times. Growing smoother. Calmer. Closer to God and each other.
Because any act of survival is worth celebrating. ❤️
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