I am being smothered by a 10 pound cat tonight - in the best way, of course. She’s planted herself on my stomach and is keeping me warm. It’s cold tonight. Apparently another cold front is coming this week.
Here’s what is ping-ponging in my brain tonight:
I wore a foundation that caused my face to break out. This may require me to wear more foundation in order to look presentable. Or I could choose the path of letting my skin breathe and heal - all of the imperfections exposed. My Actual Blemished Face. Horror!
I am staying up too late because my thumbs (and mind) are restless.
I realized I cannot remember the last time I heard my brother laugh and that when he was little, he giggled all of the time. It was one of the only ways he could express himself in a way we all understood. And that is devastating. He doesn’t even smile very often. My mom once said he probably doesn’t understand that my dad is gone - hasn’t noticed. He’s too lost in himself. How could he not, though?
I am slowly giving up on earth. There’s so much wickedness.
I am not giving up on myself. Or the people I love. Or the collective good in humanity.
There is terrifying loneliness that comes from realizing that one will never fully comprehend the contents of any other persons soul. Not sure I always understand my own.
I want things that are largely impossible - to be known and understood. I don’t feel understood by most people. They don’t realize it, either. I spend a lot of time playing acting various my roles. I have expectations to meet in order to hang on to human connections. It’s all an exhausting game.
One of my biggest regrets is watching this girl get bullied in 6th grade band class, being disgusted by the whole scene, yet not standing up for her. Something about that has haunted me. That being said, there were other times I stood up to bullies. I hope she’s okay today.
And that’s enough for now.
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