I hear people talk about this hard-to-swallow reality but I’m gonna say it again anyway:
Sometimes, without warning, the fact that I am THIRTY hits me right in the guts.
I drove by my high school yesterday. It’s been ELEVEN years since I finished senior year.
To be frank, I don’t look that great on paper. Social media contributes to my feelings of inadequacy as much as I pretend it doesn’t. I haven’t lived up to the glittering expectations I set for myself after (barely) graduating. I pale in comparison to many. My cooking skills are sub-par, I have no bachelors degree (yet!!) and I still live with family. I’ve learned a lot, but I’ve lost even more.
The losses aren’t necessarily “losses” though, even though they were painful. I shed a lot of false beliefs and pretenses, some of which were just attempts to stave off hopelessness.
Other pretenses I had embraced hopelessness, because at that moment it felt like the only truth I count on. I have learned to be more careful about what I absorb.
My life is not a shining story of success (don’t believe in those anyway) nor has it been a series of bleak failures.
I never thought my life would look this way. I am grateful for my survival. I am lucky enough to still have chances.
My advice to anyone at this point would be not to box yourself in with any one thing - be it parenthood, a career, artistic talent, a relationship. Boxes feel secure but you only breathe in stale air. Look outside. Absorb life. And never give up on yourself.
❤️
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