15 minutes left of a Tuesday I should have put to sleep already.
My therapist asked how I was doing last week and I said “Well, hopefully I’m on an upswing.” She corrected me by saying that upswings didn’t exist.
And she’s not wrong! What goes up must come down. Name a difference between gravity and life - I’ll wait.
..:CRICKET.
She has this way of shooting pathological bits of honesty at me with, well... nerf gun arrows instead of piercing me with sharp, scary ones.
It’s an art form.
So I’ll put it this way... I have had many recent good days. Days that have made more sense. Days that are glued to other sensible days, which have given me a steadier foundation.
I like my job as a case manager.
I like Sunday’s hair color outcome.
I still like books, the treadmill, and Mallory Pancakes the cat.
And between that and mingling with my immediate family, there is my life.
When I look back at my history, I’m proud to I say I still haven’t out-crazied most of it.
&&I still harbor a few (or a dozen) obscure dreams.
I’m not getting out of here alive, but I hope I’m not getting out of here “dead” either. Does that make sense?
I read a lot of books about the afterlife and near death experiences.
I’ve had periods of doubt, but I always come back to believing in God because of love. If love is real, God is real. I can’t see how one could exist without the other.
I only want to go places where I’ll learn things I can scoop up and ride around with for my next eternity. I 1000% believe that there is no “life after death” - there’s just life. And that earth is school. Death is both an end and a beginning. Dying = graduation, suicide = dropping out, and there’s a lot of mystery in the hazy mist that cloaks all of it.
But just for now.
None of this is supposed to be easy, but there’s peace in knowing that that’s the point.
I know I’m not wrong.
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