Something happened that made me feel like an Idiot today. “Something Happened.” I’m shaky and sick over it, but I’m probably blowing it out of proportion on some level.
”Is this imposter syndrome or the truth?”
I have no idea what the answer is, kids. I haven‘t been successful in every adult adventure. I often feel like a fraud.
Looking stupid… My biggest fear. I’d rather someone be repulsed by me than think I was hapless, clueless, inadequate, lazy.
What doesn’t help this me is the fact that I’m using 40% of my brain power just trying to block out horrific current events in my own life... another 10% blocking out the world itself… soooo 50% brain power for me!
I just hope I forget this “Stupid Thing” ever happened and that it doesn‘t ruin everything. Nothing scares me as much as trying my best yet not measuring up anyway.
Note to self - I’ve done more things right. But at the same time, I can’t control every aspect of how I’m perceived. I can’t make the things I do look proportionate to the rest of my life all the time. People look for what they need from me and they either get it - or don’t.
And I need things from the people who need things from me. Its a cycle. It can’t break - it just can’t. How would I make it if they decide I’m no longer useful and the cycle dissolved?
Failure is scarier than any 8 horror movies.
I’m ready for the fucking weekend.
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