I'll be happy. And I'll be good. And I'll be as free as I can get here. That's what waiting is for, right? Time to think, time to grow. To grow into oneself. The comfortable, more confident self. The more robust self. The self not with a shell, but with armor. I can believe it, but can I see it? Not yet.
I prayed for my future today. For the outcome I want. For the outcome that deep down, despite all odds, I somehow I believe I'll get. Still. Sometimes I pray to get rid of this dream. I can't understand why I'm still stuck with it if it doesn't mean anything. Yet I know im stuck in an indefinite future. A future I know I'm not ready for. None of this makes sense, but I can't spell it out.
I don't trust God enough. I don't submit. I lean on my own incomplete understanding far too frequently. Not to mention instant gratification. I'm falling asleep now. I watched Tangled tonight and teared up at "When will my life begin?" Well, it already has... I'm just hiding from the best parts of it because I fear the worst.
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