Some of the bigger mistakes I’ve made, that I’m trying to grow from, include:
- 1. Mistaking anger and bitterness for power. Because forgiveness is the real power. I used to hate the word “forgiveness” because I bought into some false implications... mostly, that it meant that all hurts were erasable and/ or fixable. That maybe it wasn’t “bad enough to matter” to begin with. Hurt is absolutely not erasable. Everything ends up somewhere. The trick is to not let it end up inside you. Cut it loose. Swim around in the possibility that the next person might be good.
To me, forgiveness means letting go of someone else’s sickness and giving life another chance. Sick, dysfunctional behavior belongs solely to the person inflicting the damage. They don’t need to be punished, because they usually end up isolated. I know that looking at it this way is easier said than done. I struggle with this immensely. That being said, if anyone else needs to hear this: Don’t give sick people an infinite number of chances to hurt you. Set boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!!!
- 2. Rejecting the concept of self-acceptance. I used to think, “how can I accept myself when I’m so destructive and haunted?” I don’t know the answer to this yet. I guess the closest answer is knowing that I’m loved, and am capable of loving. I know everything that makes up my heart. I count it daily. I write constantly and honestly. I am not all good or all bad. But I have done many good things. I am not “sick or crazy.” I can be improved. It’s possible because I’ve done it before. But as for finding joy in what I am, and not just for what I hope I can become? I don’t know. It’s hard when you feel stuck.
And that’s all I got for now, folks.
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