I saw some strangeness this week. Strangeness I have to keep mum about, partially because... I'm not sure what happened. And BECAUSE I'm not sure what happened, I don't know whether to be scared. Or if I should prepare for the worst - that is, more than just going through my typical MENTAL preparations for the worst (will the ceiling fan fly off and hit me or my cat in the head?). More like.... "DO
I HAVE TO MAKE A CHANGE!?"
File all of this under.... "I have to just "wait and see" and make wise choices in the meantime."
Wait and see. Hah! There's a reason kids play hide and seek instead of wait and see. Waiting SUCKS. I want to explore, yank up the curtains, peer under the bed, and get my damn answers. Boogeyman, boogeyman, where are you?! (Or do you exist?)
The beginning of the week was rotten for no discernable reason. I had an existential crisis. The drumbeat that sometimes comes to me was louder than ever: "Your life is pointless. Getting published won't bring you long term happiness. There is nowhere to go. There is nowhere to go. There is nowhere WORTH going." This actually predated the strangeness I witnessed.
I actually found myself googling "when should someone go inpatient at hospital depression" at one point. It was very bad. Sudden and scary. I was afraid it would get worse. I've been hospitalized for depression before, but that was a decade ago. A decade and CHANGE (as in 11 years, and also as in "I have changed.")
It dissipated by the time I had a medical appointment on Tuesday. I have to go back to the hospital the first week of January for some imaging. I'm not going to obsess about this for 2 weeks though. Maybe I'll just allow myself to obsess the night before. But hey, the gift shop has those fun spicy pickle snacks. (Which will now be ruined by the medical association but whatever.)
Cold weather has hit Dallas. I have my faucets strategically dripping. Mallory Pancakes stole my blanket (as she will) so I'm sitting on the couch for now. I keep forgetting it's Christmastime. Christmas shit is already on sale at the stores I've been too. We're all moving past it before it has even happened.
"Moving past it before it has even happened."
Huh. I've done that with more than just holidays, honestly.
Guess I'll sign off now.
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