I spent most of yesterday happy. My balloon was flying pretty high. I still think my new job is going well. I went to Target. Had nice interactions with people. The best kinds of typical things.
Then an arrow got thrown at that balloon. I read something harsh about myself. Something that was partially true. Something that made me feel like a failure for more than a fleeting moment.
That being said, those sentences didn’t tell the whole story. And even the parts that were true were just that... parts.
I have to decide whether or not to fight The Things Said. Even if I don’t change anyone’s mind, I have to change MINE. I have to recognize that yes, I struggled, made mistakes, but still have grown despite playing on a field that wasn’t level to begin with.
I’m mentally ill. I have a medical condition. I take medication for it. It’s not a cure. It’s not that different from type 1 diabetes. I struggle. I’m not always 100%. I still show up and do what I can to get me through the moment. I try, I try, I try. Those moments don’t always measure up to what other people want. Or standards set. I did NOT fail on purpose.
It is what it is. I was sick.
Still, I have nothing to lose by standing up for myself. I initially wanted to bail on even trying to stand up for myself because I was afraid of things not turning out in my favor. And that would mean “my feelings would get hurt.”
So what though? It’s perspectives measured out against perspectives over things that have already been played out. It’s a closed chapter regardless.
I prayed last night that no matter the outcome of this ”ruling”.... I just learn what God wants me to learn. The important thing is the lesson, not this or that outcome being what I want it to be.
I have a fresh start anyway. Resources and advantages I didn’t have before. And on top of all that, I’m feeling better on a mental level that is also literally medical.
In the end I’m grateful God got me out of somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be, or at least stay.
Always have to be grateful. To stay focused on GRATITUDE and HOPE.
My tender heart is my trademark even though I occasionally trip on the world. So is my intelligence. My wit. I could go on indefinitely. But I’m still human. This is what humans do. They screw up at times. But the successful ones are those who take the lesson and keep trying.
I’m doing that.
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