Weak and powerless

… is an APC song about frightening drugs.

Drugs I’ve never done.

Used to wistfully think it was about some beautiful, tortured love. (Heroin… a tortured love, but not a beautiful one.)

I made this the title because I have felt weak and powerless lately. It just happened to be the title of a deep song, so I threw that in the mix to make the nonsense of what I’m about to write seem a little more profound.

Hope it works.

I haven’t allowed myself to process each piece of grief yet. Anticipatory grief. Whatever you wanna call it. I have to carve out designated times to “think”, and I procrastinate this - allowing myself to be sad.

As a result, grief has been popping out at odd times. My mom got moderately upset with me last night over something stupid. A phone message I misinterpreted. Really, really, really stupid.

But I ran around the house screaming after it happened because I snapped like an effing stretched out rubber-band. It just seemed so stupid. I just couldnt deal because a miscommunicated voicemail is 1/4th of a grain of sand in my ocean(s) of concerns

I’m extremely jealous of people who have time to be upset over moderately misinterpreted phone messages.

That baloney aside… I don’t know what else to say. I’m alive. I don’t cry at work as much. I need to make one of those signs that say “it has been (insert number) days since Caitlin cried at work.”

(By the way, I’m at 3. When I go a week, I’m buying myself a pleasant snack.)

Getting blood drawn in the morning. Finally explored the Whole Foods by my office - it is two stories. A massage area. It takes a lot to impress me, but that did.

Watched my new favorite birth control horror show today, “Supernanny.” Some 13 year old boy had condoms in his room. Disturbing. Supernanny was wilding.

For some reason that just made me think of older, “hot“ female teachers/sexual predators that sleep with middle and high school boys.

I’ve never been entangled with any guy who was more than 3 years older than me. I’m 30 and even a 25-26 year old average guy would feel immature.

Told you this would be partial nonsense.

Don’t know how to end it either. Stay sexy and don’t sleep with young boys. Stay sexy and don’t run around screaming when a parent is moderately annoyed with you.

Stay sexy and only cry if you really need to - note to self.